


No End In Sight

by chelzie



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Canon Compliant, F/M, Tumblr: promptsinpanem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-07 01:25:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/742547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelzie/pseuds/chelzie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss describes what life is like for her after arriving in District 13 without Peeta. Inspriation is the photo, quote, and the real-life experiences of a long-time anxiety sufferer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No End In Sight

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU to everyone who pre-read this piece for me (HGRomance, Court81981, Ameiko, kismetff, alexabee, bleedtoloveher, starkist, and anyone else I may be forgetting) - your assistance and support are very much appreciated!

Quote: "Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic." - Anais Nin

For me, the mornings aren't too bad. Upon waking, I know I don't have to talk to anyone other than my mother or Prim until I leave my compartment. If there's something I have to do that involves talking to people or assuming my role as the rebellion's Mockingjay, then my day is pretty much shot. It's because the person who's been at my side for the better part of the last year supporting me and keeping the nightmares at bay has been ripped away from me. Peeta is the one bestowed with the gift of speech; but for me, it's hard to concentrate on words because I end up worrying about what I'm going to say.

Every once in a while, I'll decide to leave my compartment and usually end up wandering the District's underground hallways, which seem to be never-ending. Or I'll find a secluded place, like an unmarked janitor's closet or machine room, where I can hide from the world around me and fall asleep. Sometimes, just closing my eyes and pressing my face against a cool surface becomes a blissful comfort, reminiscent of the way it feels when Peeta's hand gently strokes my cheek.  _Oh, Peeta… I miss your touch._ I can see his face in my mind... his chiseled features, strong jaw, and those beautiful blue eyes I can't help but get lost in. It all seems so real... but when I open my eyes, there's nothing but blackness.  _  
_

Eating lunch with others in the cafeteria is often a challenge. Sometimes, I feel fine and make it through the meal without any problems. Other times, it feels like I'm never going to get through the meal. My hands end up shaking so badly that the food refuses to stay on the utensils. I keep waiting for the moment where I'll spill my drink or just not be able to eat at all. It always feels like I am narrowly averting disaster or imminent death, or that I'm the reason for others being taken away from me.

The people here pass the time by conversing with friends or other people they know/train with. I don't. Sure, I know people; but other than my mother, Prim and Gale, I don't really feel like have any friends here. Well, except for Haymitch, that is. It's not that people don't like me, they just don't know me. The Katniss Everdeen they know and adore is the one they've seen on television and in the Games, but not necessarily the  _real_  me. People have tried to be my friend, but I often don't respond because I question whether or not I can trust them. And if I want to survive, I can't afford to let anyone in. If I do, they'll just end up dying or leaving me, and who wants to suffer though that pain? I'm already dealing with enough. They'll eventually give up and stop trying altogether, which is better for all of us in the long run.

I usually eat dinner either alone or with my family, and then head back to my compartment to watch television. I don't have any plans here, other than going outside for some fresh air or exercise if the schedule allows, but I really don't follow what's printed on my arm. Once in a while, I'll do something with my family if they're not busy sticking to their own schedule. But doesn't happen very often.

When my head hits the pillow every night, the anxious thoughts return. Where did I go wrong today? What do I have to do tomorrow? How do I survive it? If I'm lucky, I'll fall asleep right away. Recently, I've discovered that going out to hunt as if I'm back home in District 12 helps to fill some of the void I'm feeling inside. Otherwise, it often takes hours for me to fall asleep, especially once I start thinking of Peeta and what he may be enduring at the hands of President Snow. Once I do fall asleep, I'm plagued by nightmares what seems like just moments later, and I wake up screaming and crying until my sister or mother can coax me back to reality. It's a vicious cycle that repeats itself day after day after day.

I don't know exactly when I decided to become like this, but it's all I can do right now. To be honest, this is a terrible way to live. I wish I had been diagnosed with a specific condition that people can understand that doesn't affect every aspect of my life. But the bracelet around my wrist says I'm mentally disoriented, and whether I like it or not, it affects every single part of my life day in and day out. With Peeta gone, I feel soulless and empty, like a part of me is missing – and spending the rest of my life without him… there's that dreaded word again, alone… doesn't sound like much of a life anyways. The worst part about it all is that it's MY fault. It was ME who pulled out the nightlock in the first arena, taking a chance that the Gamemakers would rather have two Victors alive than none. I was the one who asked Peeta to trust me. But look what I've done to him! Snow is probably torturing him in the most heinous of ways, as I continue to beat myself up from the anxiety and guilt.  _Oh, Peeta… I'm so sorry._

I want to get better, but I don't know how. Nobody knows about the inner turmoil I'm going through, because as the Mockingjay, I try to keep it hidden. Well, except for maybe Finnick; I am certain he misses Annie almost as much as I miss Peeta. I think Haymitch is the only one who truly understands, because Peeta means almost as much to him as he does to me. Some have noticed my anxiety here and there, but they don't understand the full impact. I feel like a robot or someone just going through the motions, enduring the guilt and reliving the pain every single day. All I want is for my blond-haired baker to appear, wrap me in his warm embrace, and never let go. I don't want to give up the fight for freedom, but I also know I can't do this without him. So until Peeta is somehow rescued from the Capitol, I just have to keep going on... wandering the dark, damp hallways... hoping that maybe, just maybe... he'll be there when I turn the next corner.


End file.
